okay. so summer isn't quite working out for me. everything that makes my other summers great are temporarily not here. as in nada. kara's in macau, vivi's in taiwan, fema has a job, and aisa, and all my other friends have summer classes. this is so stupid. it's summer and i should be having fun. waking up to face the computer isn't really fun.

i wish miriam had required summer classes. my life is downright boring. it's not a good thing when i recall dvd marathons, and surfing the internet as the two things i did in a day. oh, and what sucks more is i don't have any money. no funds at all to go out and visit my friends, or to watch a movie, or to buy a new dress. i'm so bored. oh and to add to that, the people i whine this all to are busy.

it's only april and my life is so BLAH.

it's like i want to die because my life is so uneventful. i wish i got sick so people will pay attention to my being. my life feeds on the people around me, and those people aren't really around me right now. having me for company isn't necessarily the greatest thing. being stuck with me is like having two overthinkers who overanalyzes everything then overthinks their lives some more then don't accept what they just thought so they end up rethinking and rethinking some more.

i'm 18, and everything in my life has its balance. the good and the bad. the good being i love myself, i have good friends, and a loving well-rounded family. the bad being i know i have all these things yet i still feel so competely alone and discontent.

yes. in other words, I NEED A BOYFRIEND. i need someone that will take my mind off of the overthinking me. someone that will give me problems to worry about. someone who will verify my stupidity and make me feel good about it.

so i know what i want, next step is.. WHO DO I WANT?

i know i want somebody, problem is, WE'RE FRIENDS, and, that he already has a somebody. the love of my life that i almost had that i never really fully appreciated, until only about months and months ago when he already has a girlfriend. it sucks, but at least i know what i want. i have this thinking that maybe i just shouldn't date around, and that i'm just gonna be completely unavailable to other men and be totally available for him. is that stupid?? maybe i'm just saying that 'cause i keep having sucky guys???

with sucky guys, the most recent would be james.

you know guys that are complete players? as in not the self-proclaimed nagfefeeling ako ones but the actual self-proclaimed real thing ones?

i finally encountered one, and that would be james. it's actually quite an experience. i had fun with him, you know? like actual fun, very little emotion, flirt buddy summer fling kind of way.

i now know how they function. they look good, they tell you what you want to hear, then they make reasons to fight with you then leave. the first few days that i found out that he's a real player, i was crushed. i almost fell, and i took a risk with him, so why shouldn't i be? i kept thinking of how these guys get off from being that, and then i realize, they just do. DAMN HIS GENES AND HIS HOT BODY. 

so.. NOW WHAT?

now,  i don't know what to feel good about. it's like, yes, they miss their chances at happiness from missing actual functional relationships, but it's not like they care. they just think that every girl is just another number in their list of girls had. karma's gonna hit them bad, but it's not going to change them. it's cause they never really recognize what's already real and what's aready in front of them. it's stupid.

if there's one thing i know i can feel good at, it's that he probably thinks i cried over him, that i miss him, but i actually don't.

and no i'm not just saying this 'cause i'm bitter. 

these players may think that they outnumbered their girls and that they had the best of them, but truth is they don't. that's where players come out as losers. they play, but they never really win at anything. they are the lowest of low, kumbaga they aren't even heartbreakers or cheaters. they are cowards, afraid to actually give off real emotions, and the women actually sense these things, so they never really give off their real selves. once the playing games are done and over with, the players think they outdid the girls, when truth is they don't. they live in a lie that is being fed to their egos, and what big egos they are.

in other words, THE GIRLS NEVER LOSE ANYTHING, BUT THEY DON'T NECESSARILY WIN OR GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT EITHER. pero you know what? i'll settle for that.

i haven't been writing for SO long and SO much has happened that i just can't keep up, let alone type and blog it.

 mi familia's never better. lately relatives are coming home for vacations and stuff and we are the ones to just show them around the place. tito alex gave me ten dollars. i'll take any cash this christmas season. hahah! my lola son's coming home the 21st. i'm looking forward to actually being with her, she seems nice on the phone. then there's lolo jr, i really want to meet him considering he gave me all his past cameras and i'm always appreciative of those two cameras. (one extremely antique, and one just lowtech) some feel really awkward when it comes to their relatives but i don't. it's amazing what stories my lolas have, besides, they have clothes, you know, vintage ones, and they give it to me, and i am very much appreciative of them. o diba? it's a win-win situation. hahaha

school. nothing stressful about it really. i guess i'm lucky with the teachers i get. subjects aren't so hard considering ms. adame has cooled down, my psych teacher is lazy, my new major subject teacher is new, pinoi teacher is an activist slash theater person, oh and get this - stat is even fun for me.

hb's great. it's just that lately we've really divided because half of the barkada is in some other block and even if we do have same break times it's just really hard for us to be together-together like before. all of us are still the same though, so i guess we're all good.

*december 2nd, 2005*

to cut one hell of a long story short - i got to see acky again.

i had quite a series of unlucky events considering i commuted in different places (from katipunan to sandiganbayan, then from sandiganbayan to fairview, then from fairview to ust), all by myself, in a uniform, carryin a paperbag full of clothes. it was a good thing i had my mp3 player (as usual), my cellphone, and my money.

as soon as i got to ust, which was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGG drive, i totally jumped up and down when i got to see lao and rexa. we then freshened up a bit, (cause hello? i'm going to see acky in a few minutes so i gotta look great) so when he texted that i go to the "college of educ." we then went.

i got to see him again, he was wearing his black shirt with pants. he looked good, he lost a few pounds. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR. HE LOSES A LOT OF WEIGHT WHILE I GAIN A LOT.  bute na lang he wore this stupid black headband, cause i really hate men who were headbands, etc. and i was telling him to take it off but he won't kasi according to him his hair was long na daw. without that headband he would've looked good, so thank god for the headband. hahah.

when i did get to see him, we just had a small talk (small talk of the worst kind) for like two minutes then we hugged. HE HAD THE SAME SMELL. (god, why on earth do i torture myself?)

that moment onwards, i was grateful for my friends.

that night he even texted. nothing important...

acky. acky. acky.

*december 10-11, 2005*

aisa's debut was fun. i was emceeing with ate bec, aisa's older sister. robin, and the others said i was great, and i believe i did, considering it was a small crowd, but i was really nervous when i was at the front. i got to hang with my old friend, itan. i got to have new friends, aisa's three blockmates, and then there's fugfug and gerald. it was great considering aisa enjoyed, plus, i got to dance, swim, etc.and have fun while sleeping. overnights are great. my god are my friends vain. (pictures to come soon) what else? i had my first ballroom dance (kuno) with Itan. hahah!

kiko (my ex). hmm, i had a chance to be with him (well physically). every cigarette break, me and the boys hang downstairs where we smoke. itan kept asking about stupid things. i was so open and eager to getting to talk to him so that we'd be friends but he won't nudge. he would just look down at the floor. he won't even say a thing to me. it was a major big thing that we hugged.

pero if you think about it really, i was like, HELLO KIKO? here is the perfect oppurtunity for us to bury the hatchet about everything but no, you had to just look down at that stupid floor. ewan.

aisa enjoyed her day. the barba's are just the cutest family.

we then went home to my house so that us four, vivi, fema aisa and me can watch the video we've made for aisa. we made her cry, which meant that our mission was accomplished, but what i didn't expect was that even me, fema and vivi cried. it was really awesome that it happened. it was like a kodak moment that was meant to be shared by only the four of us. aww! we then ended that perfect morning with a delicious corned beef and scrambled egg with sinangag. yumm.

and a perfect ending for my ultra long entry:

a text i received from lori just now.

Isa! your gift was the best christmas gift! ü Ka-level nya ung hello kitty water gun and ariel little mermaid doll and mermaid barbie doll na mga favorite xmas gifts ko noon pa! ü I was really surprised that u had a gift for me.. Na-shock ata ako ng 25 percent! At pili pa, hindi mass gift 4 all.ü Ang special ko. ü Thank you isa.. napasaya mo ako sa little gips mo. ü Sana bigyan ka ng reward ni santa this christmas, goodnight! :D

christmas is coming really soon. i hate it.

ok, so i haven't been writing, it's just that i think i'm always tired. not that anything in my life is stressful really, or maybe i'm just saying the wrong word. maybe i'm not always tired, i;m just always lazy. god, i'm such a fatass.

i need to stop eating, i need to stop hanging around in katipunan having food trips here and there. i need to start using a cup for my rice so that i won't eat more than what a regular diet person eats. i need to have control over myself before i really get fat.

before i just kept saying that it's ok if i get fat, just as long as i eat all the things i want. NOW i realize that it is so wrong. i wouldn't be saying it now 'cause obviously i'm gaining weight, my forearms are so wide, and i loved them when they were just so tiny. i now totally commit to myself by dieting through leaving half of my daily allowance at home. wish me luck. hahah.

what's great about diets is that i have ja and ziggy with me. hahahah.

what else?

i have a new fave song - Moonstar88's Fall on Me.

ngapala, i had the one of the worsts commute on the way home, traffic sucked and i was stuck in a crappy fx and the only thing that was keeping me sane was my mp3 player.

lately, it seems like my mp3 player has been my savior. technology is SO NOT OVERRATED.

hahah.